December 14, 2011

I have a secret.

I was terrified in my senior year of high school. I could not see beyond the looming graduation. An overwhelming fear of the future began to fill my thoughts. I had no job, I had no girlfriend, I did not know what I wanted to do, I did not have any deep connection with any friends. I had terrible grades, I did not pay any attention in class, I drove all my academic viability into the ground. I dreaded the summer. I did not know what I wanted to do in university afterwards, although it seemed like the only possible progress.

In the spring, mere months before I was to graduate, I got sick. I got so sick that I couldn’t go to school. They gave me homework that I could do, but I didn’t. I could not bring myself to even look at it.

I didn’t graduate that year. By the time I returned to the city, everyone had moved on. To school, to work, to travel, anything. I was aimless and weak. Everyone was busy.

I felt guilty. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I deliberately sabotaged my health in order to avoid growing up. I am ashamed by my lack of direction and willpower.

I remember, through a thick haze of sickness and medication, hearing my father asking the doctor outside my hospital room, “Is it possible that being hit caused this damage to his body?” He must have felt the same shame and guilt that I felt.

I wish it were as easy as blaming him.

It’s not.

Cardiomyopathy; cardio, myop, pathos; of the heart, short-sightedness, diagnosis.
– Destruction of the heart by unknown and indeterminate causes.

Comments are closed.